You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize