Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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