he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
