just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The power of my boobs compel you
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
