I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
