Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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