last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
