If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
