I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
