Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
