you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
