So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
