He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
