Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ugly people sure do ruin things
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
