3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
