my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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