Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
organizing the empties. That sober.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
