i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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