You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
