Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
