If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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