god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
