My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
