i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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