Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
