some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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