Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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