I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
