is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
