i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize