I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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