the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
