Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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