you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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