I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
