I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
