she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
