I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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