True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
