ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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