They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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