if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
