TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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