You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
