I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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