I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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