I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
