my phone needs a breathalizer
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
