apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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