Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
