after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
