I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
