just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
