A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
