He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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