Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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