Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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