i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
