I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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